Everything can either fall together or it can all fall apart. And that’s the fear that I’m facing the last couple of days. I met a guy who seems truly amazing. Maybe what I’ve waited for my whole life. A gentleman, classy, consistent, successful, and makes me feel adored & cherished. True, we’ve only had one date. But it was a magical date and everything before and after has been all I could’ve hoped for.
While I’m so excited to explore this potential with him, deep down I’m so scared I’m about to lose it all. My job, my ability to live here, to afford my home. I’ve been trying so hard to brush aside this fear, to not let it consume me. And to be honest, while it’s certainly been a stressful few months since it all began, Will entering my life only made my fears even harder to ignore. What if I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet him but have to move away before it’s had a chance to bloom? The sheer weight of that stress alone is paralyzing enough to where I can’t even relax and be myself. I might be self-sabotaging before it’s even started.
And that’s really what this situation brings up for me to face. Who has power over me? My boss? My job? God? I hope it’s God. And maybe on some level even I believe it’s God. But when the every day is happening and the bills are coming in, it’s easy to give that power away to a boss who’s trying to fire me or the company that’s paying out my paychecks. Who is in control over my life?? And it’s so frustrating to think everything I’ve been waiting on for so long is right there at my fingertips and possibly about to be yanked away!
That can’t be a coincidence, right? I don’t believe in coincidences. At least that’s what I claim. Loud and proud, I proclaim faith. A God who’s in control. That all things work for the good for those who love God. And boy do I love God. At least that’s what I proclaim. So then… trying to dig deep to that strength I hope I have, the question arises. Did I meet Will at this pivotal time in my life to face my fears and overcome them? Or to have the rug yanked from under me yet again?
And let’s be real. We haven’t even talked about my fears yet. Fear of losing everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I’ve been there before. I’ve lost everything before. It’s what brings you to your knees. Knowing you just lost everything in one fell swoop. Ever felt that? If you haven’t, I pray you never know. Because when I say it brings you to your knees, I literally mean falling to my knees on my bedroom floor. And waking up every morning for the next several years with the first thought on your mind being “This isn’t just a nightmare? It’s still my life?”
And the scary thing is I’d gotten past that. I learned joy again. I laughed again. I hoped again. I began to enjoy life again. To be grateful to be alive instead of hoping for death. Even attempting to bring it about. I’ve tasted hell and I’ve tasted heaven. And I feel like I’m on the brink right now. One wrong move and I tip the balance in the wrong direction. And I’m back to that nightmare. Or one right move and I tip the balance in the right direction. And I pivot to an even more glorious heaven than what I’d tasted before.
I guess this first post doesn’t really tell of my milkshake tales. But you have to understand. My milkshake didn’t always bring all the boys to the yard. I got there through hard work. On the inside. I’ve always been physically beautiful. Enviably so. But when I discovered joy and laughter and hope last year, I began to glow. I couldn’t hide my light if I wanted to. And boy did I want to sometimes. Just to have some peace and quiet. But no, that light shines and people are drawn in. But that same light that draws people in also draws hate in. I wanted to be invisible. Mind my own business, no need to be the popular girl. The woman women want to be me and men want to be with. That’s who I am. But I didn’t want it. Sure, it’s fun sometimes. But other times it’s this. People wanted to extinguish your light and you having to fight tooth and nail just to be left in peace.
So the question for today… if I’m on the brink, how do I control my balance?