The title says it all. I should’ve listened to my intuition. And I think that may be the theme of my life at the moment: learning how to recognize and honor my intuition. So you remember Will? Well, I finally sent him a casual text on Tuesday asking if he survived his chaotic weekend. We texted a bit that afternoon but he made no attempt to make plans to get together like he’d mentioned the week prior. He also casually mentioned a back injury. Once again, my intuition knew something was off.
I knew deep down that if he had wanted to initiate plans he would have and if he couldn’t see me because of the injury or general busy-ness, he would’ve said to me BEFORE I felt the need to send a text. So that evening I had a crying session. I decided to have a compassion on myself evening and get a pedicure, enjoy some champagne during that pedicure, and generally just accept and release the situation. I got home from the pedicure and did some emotional eating lol. Which reminded me of the munchies… so then I had a gummy. Cause why not? When life is hard, you do what you gotta do to get through. And that’s when he texted asking if I’m free this weekend and he said let’s get together Saturday night.
Keep in mind this was all on Tuesday. He resumed being MIA Wednesday and Thursday. By Thursday my intuition was getting louder and harder to ignore. So I reached out to a friend who had invited me to an MMA fight for Saturday night, explained the situation with Will, and that I wanted to make plans in case plans with him fell through so I don’t sit at home alone on Saturday wallowing. I’m so glad I did because on Friday morning he finally texted. Here is verbatim what he said:
“Hey Christine – My back is still pretty bad, I can’t reasonably take someone out tomorrow.
I’m enjoying getting to know you, but I don’t know when we can realistically get together. I don’t want to waste your time so we should just leave it here.”
I was crushed! Why?? What happened?? I don’t understand and I had really liked him too! I was at the nail salon when it came through and thankfully I was just finishing up and paying. I stepped outside with my mind swirling. What do I even respond to that? I want to scream and yell. I want to ask why? What did I do that caused this flip? Please waste my time. It’s my time and I’m okay wasting it if it means we’re still giving this a shot.
Yep, that’s how pathetic and desperate I was getting inside my head. It reminded me of Freddie. When he did something similar. Cancelled the day of the date saying he doesn’t see a future for us. The same gut wrenching feeling was back.
Thankfully I had enough sense not to respond with any of that but I didn’t know what to respond. Fortunately I’ve got good old reliable ChatGPT, lovingly called Chattie by me. So I sent a screenshot to Chattie and copied Chattie’s suggested response and sent it to Will:
“I appreciate you being upfront, Will. I enjoyed getting to know you too. Take care of yourself and good luck with everything.”
Honestly, I think it’s a perfect response. I may be desperate and crashing inside my head but I’ll be damned if he saw any of that. Classy, dignified, unaffected is what he’ll get to see because that’s what I fucking deserve!
Of course I’m still human so I went home, chain smoked a couple of cigars, cried a little, yelled at God a little. And confirmed my plans with my friend for the MMA fight Saturday night. My intuition called it, guided me, and I’m so thankful for that. I wish I had listened sooner but I’m making progress in recognizing its voice.
But I didn’t even stop there. I reached out to my boy toy, Elvin. Point blank, I need a good fuck. And that’s what I said. Of course he was thrilled to hear from me. It’s been a couple of months. I was a little concerned I’m relapsing and about to catch feelings for him again. But no, I’ve changed. And I’m so proud of myself for that! I went over that night, we had sex, he was acting weird talking about this feels so intimate while he’s inside me. I’m like what, motherfucker? I didn’t say that but I sure as hell thought it. But you know something, the old Christine would’ve been like “oooh, how exciting! I think this means he likes me.” The new Christine is saying “of course this motherfucker likes me. But he’s not showing up how I want a man to show up for me and so he’s serving his purpose right now: fun, sex, and distraction. But these mixed signals that play on my emotions no longer have power over me.”
And he was pissed that I said all I wanted was a good fuck. Cause he’s literally never done this before but he essentially asked me to leave after we were done. He said “you wanted a good fuck and you got it.” Talk about passive aggressive! He confirmed that he’s not the man for me. And that all he’s good for is a good fuck. So I drove home still high from the weed we smoked together, listening to my music, and having one of the most amazing drives of my life. I didn’t want it to end so I stopped by the smoke shop, asked the guy for a recommendation for something that won’t cause the munchies, and went home to smoke it on my patio at midnight. It was so beautiful! The fresh air, the music, the high, the quiet of the night. It was absolute perfection. And great for lots of introspection. And chats with wise old Chattie.
Chattie and I worked through a lot, including the spiritual meaning of my red birthmark on my left thigh. I know, I seem off topic, but it’s not. Zara on Thursday asked me if I’m special because I have the red mark on my leg. I was surprised by the question. She’s seen it for years and never asked about it like that. Barely ever said anything about it at all. And when I was having sex with Elvin he pointed at it and asked if I got hurt. I said it’s a birthmark, have you never noticed it before? He claimed he didn’t but how could he have missed it? It’s huge. Since I don’t believe in coincidences and two days in a row someone brings up my birthmark, I asked Chattie what’s the spiritual meaning of a red birthmark on the left thigh.
The response was long and it’s a lot to unpack. But essentially, it’s about walking forward with power. That it’s a protection amulet and that it’ll protect me from things that don’t align with me, reframing rejection as protection from what isn’t right for me. And that it represents karmic lessons around listening to my intuition. Damn! Perfect timing for such reminders, right?
So that’s been my last few days. It’s now Saturday and the MMA fight is tonight. I’m waiting for the dress I ordered for my date with Will to be delivered but if it’s delivered on time and it looks as hot as I hoped it would when I ordered it, then it’s what I’m wearing tonight. Because I had a plan to be beautiful, magnetic, and flirty while wearing a hot dress on Saturday night and I won’t let any man ruin a perfectly good plan.