The last time I felt like this was when Josh filed for a divorce and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. I had forgotten what that felt like. I wish I never remembered. I wish it wasn’t buried somewhere waiting for a trigger to bring it all back up. And the trigger is here now. To be honest, I’m exhausted. Exhausted of hoping and praying and waiting. Exhausted of the almosts that never pan out. It’s been 6 years of almosts. Anyone would’ve given up by now. I’ve given up on the dreams but not on the dreaming.
Am I strong or am I weak and delusional? Should I have accepted mediocrity years ago? Would I not be here now if I had?
The trigger is work. My kryptonite is anxiety. I’m on a final written warning. I’d rather have been fired. The anxiety from knowing I could be fired at any moment is crippling. If I had been fired I would’ve figured out a game plan by now. This is just slow torture.
What I enjoy the most in life is joy. I love to laugh, to connect with people, to enjoy the simple pleasures. But when anxiety becomes overwhelming I shut down and collapse. Today I burst into ugly crying after driving Zara back. And I couldn’t pinpoint one specific reason. I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted. I just need a break. I need my big break. Do you know how hard it is to try to patient for 6 years? I’m only 36. That’s 1/6th of my life! As one priest once said, the best years of my life.
Today I’m throwing myself a pity party. And I don’t even fully know why. I think work and not hearing from Will and the whole back and forth with Zara. I deserve better and I know it. So why haven’t I received what I deserve yet?
And you know what? Tomorrow i’ll be back to smiling and laughing and glowing. Tomorrow no one will know the pain that crippled me today. Tomorrow I’ll be back to having haters. Those who think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Those who have no idea how hard I work to fight tooth and nail for those moments of joy.
So today I’m going to cry as much as I want. Today I’m going to recognize and respect the pain within me. The trauma I’ve endured. The disappointments I’ve felt and still feel. The fear that my big break is not around the corner. That maybe my patience will never pay off and these cycles are it. Today I’ll mourn that life is this. And hopefully tomorrow I’ll celebrate all that life can be.