You know what’s really hard? Intuition and fears/traumas/conditioned reactions sound very similar. It’s that still, quiet voice telling you how to respond. It’s a split second instruction that speaks once and then is forever gone. So when you’ve heard it, your logical mind kicks in and goes “Did I just hear that?” But it was so quick you’re not sure if you did. And trying to get it to speak again is pointless. It speaks once and is forever quiet. And the only time you know you heard it is when in hindsight you recognize that voice gave you the best instructions after all. Not necessarily that you heeded them. But yes, you heard correctly.
Yesterday Will playfully called me a bully in text. I was in a meeting at work and didn’t see the text right away. So after a couple of minutes he texted again saying he’s joking of course. When I got that second text alert is when I finally had a chance to look at my messages. I knew he was joking before I even read that part of the texts. He’s very much a gentleman so I’d never question that he’s being hurtful rather than playful. And I’m not easily offended so I wouldn’t presume ill intention easily. Assuming he knew that I was convinced he was joking, I pretended to be appalled he called me a bully. I proceeded to repeat that he was kidding. I responded that I know he was but further elaborated why I behaved the way I do in regards to the particular incident that spurred the bully comment. To which he didn’t respond.
Now I kept in mind that he’s a very busy man. And his pattern has been that he’d send a daily text, which I presumed was to continue to show his interest, but not necessarily have an all day text session like some men do. So I didn’t think too much of it. But a small, quiet voice said to let him know I really did know he was joking and that I myself was being playful when I pretended to be appalled. But a different small, quiet voice said that sounds needy, clingy – he’s likely just busy as usual so leave the man alone. And the two voices went back and forth all evening. I guess I followed the advice of the second voice.
Today nothing from him. It’s early evening but he usually would’ve texted in the morning or afternoon. It could be a coincidence. I know he has his kids this weekend and he mentioned a super busy upcoming weekend yesterday. The two voices are back again. One is telling me if I don’t explain I was joking he’s going to presume I’m offended and he lost his chance. And the other is telling me this is my chance to be pursued, which a man needs and a woman craves.
So which is the intuition and which is the fear/trauma/conditioned response?
So I’m going to take a step further back and try to face my fears. I have a pattern of chasing men. Not because they’re amazing by any means. But because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do. It stems from me not knowing how to balance showing enough interest to motivate a man while not crowding him. It’s a delicate balance that I didn’t even know existed until recently. Women often think a man is supposed to pursue but they give him nothing. Not a look, a smile, a hopeful flirtatious comment. That was me. In an effort to compensate, I’d swing in the other direction: full on initiate the conversations even when he was breadcrumbing me. Ask when I’m going to see him again, etc. I’m just now beginning to learn there is a balance. There is a way for a woman to show interest in her own mysterious, feminine way that lures a man in enough for him to pursue while she sits back and lets him.
So keeping this in mind there is perhaps a third voice. The one that says IF Will is who I hope him to be, he won’t be so disappointed by one potential misunderstanding that he quits the chase. The man I believe and hope him to be doesn’t quit that easily. If anything, he’ll double down to make up for it and redeem himself in my graces. That’s if he’s who I want him to be. And if he isn’t that man, then I may be disappointed for a little while but the interaction with him, although brief, showed me a beautiful side to romance and love that I had long ago given up on. Perhaps he wasn’t it but he revived a hope in me I long thought was dead.
You see when Will entered the picture, I recognized that while I had enjoyed dating very much, I had been settling. Men who didn’t want the same lifestyles as me. Men who didn’t care to impress me in the ways I wanted to be impressed. Men who didn’t even share the same values as me or point blank stood on the other side of the spectrum all together. And what did I do when I met those men? I made excuses for them. Perhaps he believes all women should work and I believe women shouldn’t have to work but maybe I’m the one whose value is wrong. Perhaps he doesn’t value faith and I do but maybe if he believes in the existence of God that’s enough.
Every time I met one of those men I made an excuse for them. And you want to know why? Because deep down I didn’t believe that what I truly wanted existed and if it did, I wasn’t worthy of it. I didn’t recognize this fear inside of me until I went out with Will. One date. One date opened my heart to dreaming again. One date revived long lost hopes that I had dismissed as foolish, selfish, unrealistic. Whether Will is that man I hope him to be or not, that one date with him showed me I can’t run from what I deep down longed for. I can’t dismiss it or say I shouldn’t want it. I want it and I’ve wanted it since I was a young woman just beginning to dream of love. You can’t just dismiss those long-held dreams without serious work. And should you even? Was I so wrong to want a classy gentleman who was successful enough to allow me to be a stay at home wife, who loved to travel, and have deep conversations, and shared my faith? When did all that become wrong?? When did it become okay to accept the pressure to release that standard?
So I guess on that note I can safely say that while the voices are vying for my attention, my long-held dream man would double down to regain my favor. And the only thing I need to accept is the discomfort of sitting here in the waiting phase to see if Will is that man or not.